Would Recommend Adding Transition Identity In The
So will list below the feedback I got for the essay hatched below also one thing to add. The reading “From Gls to Gen Z (Or Is It IGen?): How Generations Get Nicknames.” was not included in this essay. I did include it in the refece page but noticed it wasn’t in the essay. Please add that in as it is part of the essay. Here are the peer reviews:
First one:
Introduction:
- How well did the introduction adequately introduce the topic? Why/why not?
She does a good job of introducing the topic very clearly and the argument she is going to point out. The only thing I would recommend is adding an attention grabber or quote to introduce your essay.
- What is your peer’s thesis statement? If you cannot figure out the thesis, what feedback can you give your peer that would help him/her focus the paper?
She thesis statement is how different “elements of culture, such as race, gender, sexuality, social class, influence our identity”. It is a wonderful thesis I just feel it is too long and you should narrow it down and compare two ideas, just to keep your ideas together.
Body paragraphs:
- How well did each paragraph support one idea of the essay’s thesis? If not, identify which paragraphs need more development and why.
You do not seem to introduce your thesis in every paragraph instead you give more example, I would recommend adding one to your three body paragraphs and hopefully not explaining previous information you stated in other paragraphs.
- How well do the ideas flow from one topic to the next, logically guiding the reader from start to finish? If not, point put where it starts to unravel and how to get back on track.
I would recommend adding transition words between your paragraphs to make it flow in one order, especially with the first paragraphs. I also tend to get lost, a good idea would be going around and moving information around to make it flow.
- How well does the student offer a thorough analysis of the evidence used? (This is the “E” in the AXES model). If not, point out which ideas need further elaboration.
A very good job on the flow of your quotes and your integration of them with a summary. Some quotes go with your evidence but others just don’t fit with the rest and it tend to make the explanation confusing to read but also to understand.
Conclusion:
- How well does the conclusion discuss the SIGNIFICANCE of the student’s argument (for example, does the conclusion discuss why the student’s argument is relevant today)? Provide suggestions for improving the conclusion.
The writer seems to understand in some paragraphs the concept of restating your thesis, the only thing is she is not including the author and the reason they are writing these articles for. I also see a tendency of repetition of some ideas you have already stated.
- Does your peer’s paper fall between the page limit? If the paper is too long, make suggestions for condensing. If the paper is too short, make suggestions where the ideas can be expanded.
Her page count is 4 pages and includes everything she is supposed to have. Even got a work cited page: Overall great paper.
Second one:
ntroduction:
1. How well did the introduction adequately introduce the topic? Why/why not?
- I thought your intro was short but informative and straightforward. The only thing I will say is that a grabber would make it more interesting to read!
2. What is your peer’s thesis statement? If you cannot figure out the thesis, what feedback can you give your peer that would help him/her focus the paper?
- I’m guessing your thesis is “We also evaluate how behaviors such as dress codes, modes of expression, or some actions tell of who we are.” I think that sentence alone is a good way to lead onto the next paragraph and was very well written.
Body paragraphs:
1. How well did each paragraph support one idea of the essay’s thesis? If not, identify which paragraphs need more development and why.
- I thought that your body paragraphs had a lot of analysis that could be condensed. In your paragraph you forget to add a sentence right before you introduce your quotes, and you need more quotes to back up your claims.
2. How well do the ideas flow from one topic to the next, logically guiding the reader from start to finish? If not, point put where it starts to unravel and how to get back on track.
- There is a flow that seems to be missing with this and things seem to be scrambled. I would advice that you piece together your paragraphs based on the topics and condense them that way they aren’t too long. You know what you’re talking about and make good points however your thoughts just need to be more organized and you’ll be good to go!
3. How well does the student offer a thorough analysis of the evidence used? (This is the “E” in the AXES model). If not, point out which ideas need further elaboration.
- Once again I feel as if you need to add more quotes to back up your claims and to not just right into your quotes at the beginning of your paragraphs so quickly. Start with topic sentence, work your way through your claim following along with quotes and get right into the analysis to back it all up.
Conclusion:
1. How well does the conclusion discuss the SIGNIFICANCE of the student’s argument (for example, does the conclusion discuss why the student’s argument is relevant today)? Provide suggestions for improving the conclusion.
- I thought the conclusion was really good. I feel like your conclusion was relevant and you brought up those ideas that were mentioned in the essay however I think mentioning the authors and their intentions in the end will wrap it all up more nicely.
2. Does your peer’s paper fall between the page limit? If the paper is too long, make suggestions for condensing. If the paper is too short, make suggestions where the ideas can be expanded.
- She made it onto the 4th page, not too long, and your works cited is in alphabetical order and in the right format. Overall good job!
All the directions and information you would need are on the other question that is titled “English Essay” https://www.studypool.com/discuss/19692417/english-essay-255. Please let me know if you have questions 🙂